Thursday, April 1, 2010

week 14: jungle fever

i'm still recovering from my meal at 
jungle fever
physically and emotionally.

when i first heard about the concept 
of celebrity chef rahm schlomicchio's new restaurant,
i was floored.

organic and sustainable cuisine that features
 free-range jungle animals.

the next step was obvious:
"do you have a table for two?"

with some sweet talk,
and a hundo for the hostess,
i was able to snag a spot at the grand opening 
two seats away from beyoncé!

my date: bestie brian, of course
{originator of weird food challenge}

and of course we decided to go all out on the 
5 course tasting menu
{i have a secret fund for desperate times like these, 
and let's just say... i'm going to have to wait a bit longer than i thought 
until i have enough moneys for le bernardin}

the first course:
steamed grass-fed panda belly dumplings
ok, ima need to get over how cute and cuddly pandas look,
because panda meat just became my new love.
you'd think because of their size and weight that the meat would be chewy and tough,
but quite the contrary,
it was light, fluffy, and just melted in your mouth.

the second course {pictured at the top of this post}
sauteed amazonian anaconda skin
 in a light lemon sauce, with fresh cracked pepper.
it wasn't terrible,
if i'm going to eat an anaconda,
i'd really rather it not be completely covered up by the taste of lemon and pepper.

and besides, my therapist says it's important to address my fear of snakes in other ways than eating them.

brian seemed to like it,
but then again,
he also eats regular amounts of cheez whiz...

third course:
west african chimpanzee tartar
with fish urine sauce.
this dish was perfect.
not only was it tender and juicy like a chimpanzee meat should be,
but it was spiced absolutely exquisitely.
 the idea of adding cilantro to monkey 
and then serving it with tempered fish urine
is genius.
schlomicchio, you da man.

fourth course:
curl-crested aracari ravioli
with a brown butter sauce and rosemary.
a.k.a. toucan ravioli
this ravioli was not my favorite.
although judging by the high pitched shrills
 from two tables away, i think my girl beyoncĂ© was into it.

it was sweet, almost like a sweet potato,
but had a sort of aftertaste that was reminiscent of 
that time i had to get a root canal when i was five,
and had to keep gauze in my mouth for a total of 48 hours to stop the bleeding.

fifth course:

ding ding ding ding ding!!!
i told you donuts were the new cupcakes.
tanzanian lion donuts
vanilla ice cream.
did you know that if you let clippings from a lion's mane
 soak in rhino semen for three weeks, 
it breaks down and forms a sort of pasty substance
 that has the same effects as yeast when combined with sugar and warm water?
so, i mean, because of that,
these donuts didn't actually taste like lion,
but they were pretty good.
they were no bomboloni, but they were still good.

brian wanted to take pictures with them 
as spectacles,
but i told him no because i would have been embarrassed in a place as classy as this.


a year ago,
i never would have thought that i'd have been consuming things like panda and toucan,
but to be honest,
i've never been so satisfied with a meal.
there were such complex tastes,
and amazing textures,
that i didn't even know existed!!

it was actually worth the seven hours that i spent in the bathroom that evening.

but i say, if it tastes good,
eat it.
even if it does almost kill you.
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

try to get there before the fda shuts it down, people!

...38 restaurants to go...



jungle fever is located on the corner of doofus st. and gullible ave.
happy april fool's day, lovelies. 


Alyssa said...

HILARIOUS!!! Here i was trying to justify in my head that it was okay to eat these animals because im sure they were treated okay...

And then amazed that anaconda skin looks like pasta and nothing like snakeskin shoes!

I was about to demand why there are no pictures of Beyonce.

Well Played :)

Anonymous said...

I am feeling kind of Cheese Whizzy after reading this. Go Brian! Love Coooosh

Emily Anne said...

You goofy lady, I BELIEVED THIS for waay longer than I should have. *Smacks self on forehead* Hahaha best post ever!!!! xo

Megan said...

Oh I am a sucker i believed that the whole way... i was thinking I am sure that pandas are endangered species!

Gali said...

Damn. Actually I was already planning my trip to NYC just to visit this place :D

No, for real.

Chris Thompson said...

Excellent work

Maddy said...

I really, REALLY thought you were serious.. until I read the lion donut thing! Panda?! AH that would be so terrible!

loves it.

Camilla Leila said...

HAHA totally believed and judged you for a minute there.

you're awesome.

Katy Mary said...

Hahahaha, love it. You totally had me for a little while there but I kept saying there is NO WAY it's legal to eat these animals!

Jasara said...

I love it! im still LOL!! You Rock!

Anonymous said...

No argument which purports to show that intra-species hegemony in general is natural or unnatural, healthy or morbid, legal or illegal, in conformity with God’s will or contrary to it, tells me whether any particular consumption is morally right or morally wrong. I am fortunate in not experiencing moral shock or disgust at any uninformed act whatsoever, provided that it is welcome and agreeable to all the participants (whether they number one, two, or more than two—or slaughtered, in any combination thereby). Any act may be—to me, or to any other individual—aesthetically attractive or aesthetically repulsive. Any act may be committed in furtherance of a morally good or morally bad intention. Any act may have good or bad consequences. No act is sanctified, and none is debased, simply by having a defined dimension of death-based consumption.

Now, Darkness, the tables have turned!

Anonymous said...

rahm schmolicchio? dufus head

love STOOP

Kimbirdy said...

you're hilarious! this is the one day a year when I disbelieve everything I read in blogland. :) But you get an A+ for cleverness and creativity! Oh and extra points for throwing in a celebrity sighting! ;D

olive juice photography said...

ok so! you had me
totally had me! hahahaahah i love this! so great! i was going to say..." did you know that if you let clippings from a lion's mane
soak in rhino semen for three weeks,
it breaks down and forms a sort of pasty substance
that has the same effects as yeast when combined with sugar and warm water?" HOW DOES SOMEONE EVEN KNOW TO TRY THIS! lol so great!

Meghan said...

I cannot believe you ate all of these items! I don't know if I would have had the stomach to try it - even if I was sitting by Beyonce! Ha!

Anonymous said...

What is really amazing is that I just read on Beyonce's blog that she saw YOU at the next table....
eating panda no doubt!

-L- said...

you are so brave! My most adventurous meal involved kangaroo.
I just got all caught up on your last few posts

Stefani said...

You had me for the first paragraph. FABULOUS!

Gali said...

BTW, I seem to recall you're also a cheese lover, so this might be of some interest to you:

Carissa said...

haha, this was hilarious and completely disgusting at the same time! kudos to you, great april fools post! (I'll admit, you fooled me for a bit... but I knew something was up once I got to the panda meat!)

Emma Jade said...

haha! Totally got me!

Melissa said...

MOLLY!!!! Ahhhh!!!!!! Since I'm reading this the day AFTER April Fool's Day, I actually believed it up until the Chimp dish. I was thinking it couldn't be right for endangered chimps to be on a menu... hahaha!!! I thought you were very brave with the panda though. Hilarious!

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